EQUAL RITES

AFTER A LONG LONG SABBATICAL I AM BACK ... THIS SUDDEN SPURT OF ENERGY OUGHT TO LAST FOR A WHILE.. :).. Or at least i hope so...

Here goes nothing...

I am in a very ranty(bloggetic license) mood.

Foreword : Girls fight for emancipation.Claim equal rights.Equality in everything.



By the way you guys gotta read EQUAL RITES by Terry Pratchet.For the uninitiated Terry Pratchet is the god of
funny satirical fantasy.

Here goes nothing.

Despite all claims on equality , there are seats reserved for women at all kinds of places
but have you ever heard of seats reserved for men.. A gal can coolly walk into a place and ask
a guy to get up. Its galling is what it is.

Have any of you heard of a gal willingly agreeing to dutch it out on a date.. :) . The guy
picks the gal up, takes her out, pays for everything and drops her back. And at the end of all
that he is supposed to be grateful for having had the chance to take her out. Is there no
justice in this world?

There is a very fine line a man walks. Holding the door open might be considered chivalrous but
pulling a chair for a gal to sit might be construed as sheer chauvinism (i can draw my own chair
humph).


Well at this point of time i would like to make it clear that its the system that i am against.
Lolz given half a chance to take a pretty gal out ill be the epitome of chivalry ;) (as i have
been before) . Thankfully none of my previous "dates" are gonna read this so i must be just
imagining the scoffing noises.

Where was i.. ah..

One need not particularly mention that gals especially pretty ones need not be particularly good
at what they do. They just need to sit around and look pretty. Of course this could be in part
(who i am kidding, wholly attributed to men being extra horny).As evinced in a zillion places
and instances which are too numerous to jot down (did i mention i was lazy).

After all these terrible injustices perpetrated on poor unsuspecting men, they have the cheek
to say THEY are being discriminated against.. Thats rich is what it is..


erm p.s.. I am a chauvinist.. ;)

My First (n hopefully worst) Job Interview

When I say at de very outset that at this point in life a job was the very last thing I wanted u may be inclined to think of sour grapes but lemme assure u that this wasnt de case. Well Ill spare u de nitty gritty and get right down to de interview.. The aptitude test and so called group discussion were a piece of cake (modesty definitely aint one of my er.. strong suits).. The HR guy had a sense of humour and we got along really well. He was like get through the tech interview and you’ve got yourself a job.I didn’t know there was a technical interview. If I had known I probably wouldn’t have shown up at all.

So went the interview

After the basic introduce yourself and crap he asked the very question I was dreading..

SADISTIC INTERIEWER (lol): Which is your favourite subject?

ME (mistakenly assuming honesty is the best policy): English

INTERIEWER (giving me a look that made me distinctly uneasy) : I had a more technical subject in mind.

ME : Maths ( don’t blame me first thing that came to my head)

INTERIEWER : Ok.. Who invented Calculus?

ME (hoping against hope that this guy had a sense of humour) : Sir..er I meant the practical side of maths.

INTERVIEWER (he had the grace to smile) : Ok lets move on to another subject of your choice.

ME (beginning to feel a bit hot around the collars): Physics

INTERVIEWER : What are Newton’s 3 laws of motion?

ME (with utmost confidence): Sir, the third law is “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”.
(after some fumbling I managed to come up with the other two laws)

INTERVIEWER (frowning impatiently) : Well any other subject you had in mind.

ME (hey am I supposed to be doing his job or what. Lets get this over with.) : C
(and before he could ask some dreadful theoretical question I almost screamed) PROGRAMMING
( He asked me some usual programming stuff which I answered with aplomb thereby regaining my confidence (which is never too far away.(lol))

INTERVIEWER : (with a sadistic smirk ) What about some subjects from the course you are currently taking ?

ME : (screaming nooooooo inside.. here goes nothing) Digital circuits Sir

( After 10 minutes of sheer torture during which both of us realized we were each totally unsuited for the jobs in mind.. me coz I had absolutely no clue what the guy was talking bout and he coz he took 10 whole minutes to realize the same.)

INTERVIEWER : (finally realization struck) Thank you for your time. You may leave now.

ME: Thank you Sir (my thoughts at this point are too graphic to be put in words)

Then a mad rush to the bus stop and it was home sweet home..

Rhymums continued

Well i did graduate to limiting rhyme to two liners eventually.. the ones below are my more ..er... artistic works .. so proceed n dont say i didnt give ya fair notice

Ah well the history teacher always did have a rather peculiar effect on me.. While all my fellow sufferers slept through his class i paid close attention for he inevitably ended up providing just de word i was lookin for to complete ma rhyme.. In short the man was an inspiration..

Here goes .. This is dedicated to Mr Lal my history sir in 6th grade

An Encounter With An Alien

I was sitting peacefully on that fateful day,

In my home near the bay.

I saw someone looking like an alien,

Who at first looked like the Chinese Fa Hien. (didnt i say de man was a genius)

Seeing me he blabbered out something,

Which was quite out of my understanding.

I was frightened out of my wits,

And to the idea of conversing i called quits.

While running i broke some flower pots,

Upon which i heard a few shouts. (wel poetic pronunciation license)

And turning behind i saw that it was our neighbour Mr. Lal, (ther i brought his name in)

Covered from head to toe with a shawl.

Now prepare yourself this has been acknowledged by all who read it as my best (or worst depends on how u look at it really rhyme)

The Silence of the Night was Broken

The silence of the night was broken,

In the stable i heard something spoken,

I went out and found that my parents had awoken.(screams:poetic licens peopl)

My parents were looking disturbed,

And I,myself,too was very perturbed.

But gathering myself i asked them what had occurred.(if i say it rhymes it does!!)

I found out that we had been robbed of our faithful pair,

Of Arabian horses which were very rare,

Until now whom we had kept with great care.

I vowed then and there,

That i would find the gangs lair,

No matter how deadly they were.

After my troubled parents had slept,

I went to the stable with our dog Kent, (dammit it warnt history clas n i cudnt com up wid a dog name rhymin wit slept so had to mak do wit dis one)

And fortunately he caught the theives' scent.

When we reached the gangs hideout,

I found out that they had kept some men on stakeout,

Who chased us with their guns out.

We ran swiftly on the cold sand,

I fell down with my head downward striking the land,

Suddenly i woke up and found out that i had been in dreamland.

(Thank you thank you.. though i know the above er.. poem calls for a standing ovation a moment of silent worship will suffice..lol..)

My Childhood Rhymums

STATUTORY WARNING: PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

Well when i was a kid i had this thing for rhyming words.... well i still kinda do.. when i felt in the mood ( which was generally during class hours) i used to jot down these er... poems.. lol
THE FOLLOWING POEMS WERE WRITTEN BY A SIXTH STANDARD KID (although a remarkable one) AND ARE NOT TO BE JUDGED (LOL.. THERE IS ALWAYS POETIC LICENSE)

FATSO (this is dedicated to the official class bully)

I saw fatso eat with satisfaction,
He was eating with a lot of concentration,
He had a very good reputation,
For stealing his neighbours food without any hesitation,
He has got no passion,
For beggars who have no ration,
Everybody watches with admiration,
The large amount of his consumption,
Nobody could give him any satisfaction,
Even with a large amount of ration.

(I woulda gone on but the period got over and wit it , the shall we say poetic mood faded away)


oh oh i gotta show my adoring (lol) fans my very first poem.. this i suppose was in the fifth standard..
New Year (no prizes for guessin when i wrot this one)

Each time when comes a new year,
Everyone says to each other happy new year,
Everybody gets their vehicles on gear,
And go to their friends who are near and dear,
Have fun and drink some beer,
Nobody hunts hares or deer, ( i was anti-hunting)
Every person can easily hear,
Loud shouts far and near,
Nobody has any hesitation or fear,
To share gifts or fruits like pear,
Doctors always come up with a cure, (er i suppose poetic license extends
For patients who cannot endure, to pronounciation too)
Everybody has nice clothes to wear,
And wish you a very happy new year.


( if you have not already run away screaming i gotta say you have remarkable perseverance)

as a reward here goes

Once upon a midnight dreary,
soomething or the other lake erie..

( there i knew dat would have the desired affect)

The journey to the ends of the world

Well my dear Messiuers and Mesdammes the title did get your attention na, well i regret to inform y'all that this journey is only to the ends of Kerala (not the end of the world).This has nothing to do with the trip to the jungles of bang which will come soon enough so watch this space..


Well i set out with my ridiculously tall pal Rashid and quite a few other guys on my first trip to Malabar. Many (i was sure jealousy played a part in their decisions) er .. well meaning pals and gals tried to dissuade me but my mind was made up and i set forth with many expectations..

I always knew my fanatic devotion (others call it addiction) to Payasam would get me into trouble sooner or later but i hadn't expected it so soon..

Know my good friend did warn me the trip would take a long tome and we would reach home only by midnight so i took suitable precautions ( in the form of half a dozen selected novels).. little knowing what awaited me..

When we reached the railway station and the other guys told me all the people on the platform were waiting to board the same train i panicked (I already had reservations about travelling for the first time in the general compartment). The rest of the guys reassured me it was no big deal when i asked them to book tickets in the sleeper section. Finally with great reservation i let them persuade me.

The train did arrive and we scrambled (that is the apt word believe you me) to get on board.My buddies had lemme get on board first me being the proverbial first timer and a with a few of the guys hanging on for dear life to the door handles the train trundled of. I and a few of the guys who were er.. lucky enough to get into the compartment stood practically jammed ( i swear to God (just a figure of speech i aint much of a believer) we couldn't move a muscle.

Then in the midst of this solid mass of humanity he erupted.. A short fat man flew through the space(through which i could have sworn nothing more than a feather could get through) scattering people hither thither. He was virtually unstoppable our Bombay guy on his way to the toilet.
I learnt a valuable lesson "Nature is very powerful.. When nature calls ya better go.. nobody nothing can ever stop you "

After an eternity of travelling in veritable hell (it was actually about an hour and a half but it sure as hell seemed a lot longer)
we reached Trichur station and a tide swept out and before the next mad tide of humanity swept in i adroitly squirmed into a seat. Then takin pity on my serously tall pal i let him sit and sat myself on his lap.. The rest of the trip i steadfastly ignored everything else and read THE ALCHEMIST and half of THE PET SEMATARY believe you me it wasnt as frightening as the train trip..

My buddy's in a hurry so keep watching this space for the sequel to the ADVENTURES IN THE JUNGLES OF BANG

The Dwarf with the Staff

To my loyal fans i have only this to say "remember the name of my blog"

Well our two lords did set out slow and steady with a firm view of staking out the land but very soon an interesting conversation combined with an apalling sense of direction found our great crusaders totally and flabbergastingly lost.. Undaunted the two of them said lets go "Right.." said Philip and "Left.." said Sloth.

They decided to toss..But the decision was made for them by a higher authority.. Thats right a trumpeting troll came hurtling through the left and our wise lords who were firm beleivers of the saying discretion is the better part of valour fled to the right..


Now our heroes were none too used to physical exertion.. (They usually relied on their not inconsiderable er.. wits to deal with (squirm out of) any given situation..) ..Both of them collapsed panting after a few minutes of running full tilt..Then we turned the pages of our copies of the Hitchhiker's and this was the entry :

"When faced with a being more than twice your size run..If in the jungles of Bang WATCH OUT for the Dwarf With The Staff"

While Lord sloth was perplexedly pondering over the meaning of this weird passage (the hitchhikers is not easily comprehensible to mere mortals..even experts like sloth took a while to grasp the full meaning), lord Philip proving himself a true leader of men spoke thus
"I smell food a few furlongs to the north.."

(Note to the reader :Lord Philip has the uncanny ability to sniff food a mile away and despite his total lack of any sense of direction he can usually lead you to the source of the smell)

The valiant lords thus set forth guided by Philip's nose.. They came upon a clearing which was crowded with many stalls offering all kinds of goods (and no one to man them)..Naturally our heroes first sated their hunger and thirst.. Then they went about leisurely picking out
such glorious items such as an invisibility cloak generator, guide to survival in bang etc when a fierce thumping noise caused them to turn back in alarm.. They could see nothing but suddenly a voice roared below them "How dare you trespass on my land, eat my food and steal my treasures?"

Lord Philip being the fast one was quick to put two and two together and exclaimed "Why ,you are the dwarf with the staff !!". The creature roared "You have defiled my land and you are bloody well going to pay for it." This was a boon for our lord Sloth was an expert at negotioations.. The bargaining process began.. The dwarf ranted and raved punctuating his more hysterical outbursts by thumping his staff violently on the ground..But all to no avail.. Lord Sloth being a pastmaster at this art soon convinced him to part with the invisibility cloak generator and everything else they took for a paltry sum..

Beaming at their success our crusaders went forth and as was their wont they promptly lost their way. While deliberating which way to go our heroes suddenly realised they had nothing in their hands..All that they had acquired had disappeared without a trace!! They quickly riffled thru the pages of the ever changing hitchhikers to find the followin entry
"NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM A DWARF WITH A STAFF.. HE WILL ROB YOU BLIND AND HAVE A GOOD LAUGH LATER"

Even now after so many years our heroes still recall the dwarf with a staff with respect (the only crook to have so totally hoodwinked them)..

The dwarf suddenly materialised laughed uproariously at our woeful expressions and handed us a map of bang..Then he slowly dissapeared bit by bit and the last they saw of him was his grinning teeth(reminds you of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland eh.. i always was a fan of Lewis Carrol)


Now the sounds of the dwarf's laughter filling their ears they returned pockets emptier, wiser and none the worse for their experience and as was their wont collapsed into a dreamless daze...

(BOOK TWO OF THIS SERIES REFERS TO THEIR ADVENTURES OF THE NEXT DAY.. MY FANS WILL HAVE TO BEAR WITH ME WHILE I RECOLLECT WHAT HAPPENED.. LIKE I HAVE SAID BEFORE THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.. IN THE MEANTIME WATCH THIS SPACE)

The Saga Continues

(note: Any misspelled or non-existent word is to be attributed to poetic license)

Now where were we? OK here goes nothing..


Well as was to be expected with Lord PG refusing to open his eyes till they landed somewhere (anywhere) it seemed the two of them would never find the castle Mindtree.. Then suddenly Lady lUCK took pity on them.. Instead of them finding the castle the castle found them..Our two worthy crusaders landed (umm not too gently) into the castle moat..

Filthy and bedraggled our heroes still managed to look heroic..Armed with their hitchhikers and that most dreaded of weapons yes indeed a state of the art laptop they boldly knocked on the castle doors..


The door suddenly became a giant screen and a most fearsome face looked out upon them and an automated voice roared "State the purpose of your visit."And Lord PG who had recovered somewhat from his traumatic experience growled "We have an appointment with the HR and ya better open this door if you know whats good for you".. Fortunately for him nobody called his bluff.. The door slid open and our heroes entered...

The castle interior was a nightmare -- what with myriad twisting corridors and doors that opened and closed on their own volition.. But our heroes stuck to their guns..After a while Lord BM bellowed "ENOUGH..i am sick of this castle..What psycho of an interior designer that made this mad house.." When suddenly a benevolent voice spoke up all around them "MY SONS the paths of wisdom are seldom easy to come by.. Follow the butterfly"


And lo ! There appeared before their startled gazes a robot butterfly and follow it they did..Very soon they came to a palatial room in the center of which sat a ditinguished person with his head in his hands.. As soon as he spoke Lord PG excaimed "Hey i thought i recognised your accent..Aren't you a native of Mace." The HR permitted himself a wry smile and said " I am bound by contract to castle Mindtree.. But i will help you all i can provided you ask me the right questions"..Then followed the most confused and jambled Q&A SESSION known to man..


At the end of a long long session of continuous talking and screaming (Lord BM remember..) they finally staggered out sore throat, sore ears and all..The HR in his eagerness to get rid of them beamed them glider and all to the coordinates provided by lord BM (and for a change they did land up near the base)..


But wait.. I hear some angry muttering ? Everyone wanst to know about the adventures of yours truly and lord philip..but thats another story..
keep your breaths baited ( or whatever the expression is)


To Be Continued